I can’t believe this. All those people. I trusted them, I loved Jenny and especially Dan. There’s a weird spirit at church now and there has been for awhile. The attendence is dwindling.
They are all so wrong. Shannon is so evil. So why God?
Why are their church services growing and ours dwindling?
What is going on??????
Where is your spirit in all this?
Dad’s heart is so pure…where is everyone’s dedication?
Gosh, this makes me so mad!!
What is it going to take to restore what was there.
Worship sucks. Matt just puts on a show and I don’t even want to get started on Jill…Ugh!
You can’t want a new revelation and keep playing old songs…it doesn’t work that way.
Gross, weird spirit in there. WHY???
My dad didn’t deserve any of this. It wasn’t his fault. This was all Shannon’s doing with stupid, ignorant Kevin who can’t even spell “ability”…(ABALITY)
Then there’s Bruce and Marcia…They were weird from the beginning…I never trusted them.
And people wonder why Pastor’s and their families have trust issues…people will let you down…they hurt

Wow.
This has really  helped me in the past and honestly a lot has happened in the last month.
Today is my boyfriend and I’s 30th month together. It’s been…rough. Honestly.
I don’t know. I love him to death but a relationship should not be as hard as it’s been for us. He’s been having hard days at work and it’s been affecting our relationship. He’s been working so hard at being happy but this whole job business has really been getting to him.

I’m filling out the application to transfer to Evangel university. I’m almost done. I’m transferring there in the fall. I’m hoping to have a better experience there than I have at the school I’m at.

That’s all for now now, maybe more later.

There is t-minus 2 hours and 15 mins until we leave for our first basketball game in Nevada. I am nervous but confident in my abilities. I know God has blessed me with the ability to play and I’m going to play the best I can.

I’m still eating just healthy food and I feel great. I’m not so weak and  tired anymore. Here’s what I ate for lunch:
 

I ate a third head of broccoli with low-fat ranch dressing, a chicken, low-fat provolone cheese, spicy mustard on 9 grain Italian break sandwich and a Naked fruit smoothie.
(I prefer Bolthouse Farms Green Goodness because it’s gluten free but they didn’t have it at the store :/)

So hopefully this yummy healthy food will help in my performance at the game tonight. Wish me luck!

-KaitlynKalon

Why can’t I trust him?
It’s been an effin’ year and I still can’t get my act together.
He’s done nothing to make me think bad things and yet I still think them. Everytime he mentions a name. WHY?
It’s tormenting me. I just want a nice healthy relationship. I want to start over, but do I let that happen? No.
Do I let him get better? No.
I just keep bringing it back up. It just keeps torturing me. The thoughts. The constant worry.
I would love for him to have friends again but do I let him? No.
Why can’t I just trust?
Is it fear?
Fear that he’ll break my heart again. Fear that I’m not the only one he’s looking at?
Those are ridiculous. I know they aren’t true!  Then why aren’t my heart and my  head lining up. My does my heart still hurt. Why won’t this heal already?
Why do I say horrible things to him and make him feel like a piece of sh*t?
Why do I do this?
Because I’m scare?
That’s no excuse. No excuse at all. AT ALL.

God,
Please take this from me. Let me trust again. I so desperately want to and need to. I want this relationship to work. I love him so much. He’s so awesome. I just need you to take this heart of mine and make it new. Make it whole and fresh and new. Change the way I think. Change the way I act to be more mature in this relationship. Stop those thoughts before they even enter my head or if they do enter my head, let me be able to deal with them appropriately and show them the door out of my head. I want to trust again. I trust you. I just need to trust that the work you’re doing in him is true and that he’s following you. Make him more committed to you so I can see this change. He’s already come so far. Comfort him right now, even as I’ve said things to hurt him, out of anger. Why do I get so angry God? I don’t like being angry. I really don’t. Hold my tongue when it comes to him. I let words so easily spill out with him and they cut him deeply. I know they do. This isn’t a healthy relationship but I want it to be. Make us right individually. Make us right relationally. Let us stop in our sin and truly make this a Godly relationship. That’s all I’ve ever wanted from the very beginning and I’ve slowly let it become less and less about you in my life. But I’m trying to listen. Sincerely I am. It’s so hard. My head is so clouded from all my mistakes that I know you don’t even remember. Will you clear out my head. There’s a lot of junk in there and it needs a clean sweep. Can you help me? Please. You’re my only hope. No one else can help me but I know you can. You can do anything and everything. So please sweep my head of rotten emotions and thoughts. Clean up my act, the way I treat people and the way I talk to him. Gossip. I do that. I wish I didn’t. I’m so sorry that I do. Please clean me up there too. I don’t want to do that. I just want to be the best I can be for you. I really do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this to you. I’m so sorry, I disappoint you time after time. I just need your help to get me back in the right. Help me, please. I need you to help me. I could write on and on about everything that’s wrong with me. I just ask that you make me MORE aware of when I’m doing these things. Give me the strength to recognize it and stop it. Help me Holy Spirit to stop it. Please. I love you God, and I know you love me too, even though I’m not sure why. I’m hard to love and yet you do. So thank you, thank you for all you’ve done for me. Thank you for blessing me with opportunity after opportunity. You’ve so graciously put things in my life that I know were beyond my control and yet you blessed me. Through all my impurity and shame, guilt, sin. You’ve blessed me. Thank you. Please, I don’t want to disappoint you any  more. I need more strength please, I don’t want to disappoint you. You are the one thing in this life that makes perfect sense to me, so please help me. I am going to try to be better for you. Just make me more aware of my sins. Reveal them to me so I can stop. So I can stop it before it happens. Thank you.
Your unworthy servant,
Kait

TOP NEWS:

My dad and the church bought the antique theatre downtown! There has been stupid posting stuff on facebook about “it’s never going to be a theatre anymore!” but it HASN’T BEEN OPEN FOR OVER TWO YEARS. The owners are retarded and are bankrupt so they had to sell the theater. (Don’t worry, I know them personally,  yeah…we’ve got beef.) But I think it’s wonderful. I used to love going to that old theater when I was younger so it’s going to be fun to get to be in it again. I don’t know what we’ll do with it but it’s still  amazing!

Saturday:

I got all ready to go shopping in Springfield with my boyfriend when my sister came up and asked what my plans were for the day.
THIS IS HUGE.
My sister and I have never really gotten along. I was ready to completely cancel everything with my bf to go hang out with her but I didn’t.

So my bf and I went to Springfield. We first went Chick-fil-a (YUM!) and then went to Guitar Center. Okay, here’s what happens at Guitar Center…my boyfriend and I walk around and look at all the gear and equipment. He points out things he needs and proceeds to tell me what they do and how they’d help with his equipment. I just nod my head, give the occasional “Oh, okay”. I used to not understand any of it but I’m catching more and more as the time has gone on. Give me a break, the kid has been playing guitar for 9 years and has taken college guitar classes, there is no way I could possibly keep up with all he says. lol

After guitar center we went to take his gear to this house where the new band (he left the old one) practices.
It’s so crazy how he got into this band. The screamer is a photographer that I’ve idolized since freshman year of high school and I met the other guitarist a couple years ago because of photography and now my bf is in a band with these dudes. It’s super weird and awesome! :]

After we unpacked his gear we went to the mall. I needed to get some moisturizer. I have super sensitive skin and the only kind of moisturizer I’ve found that doesn’t make me break out is Mac Comfort Cream. It’s wonderful.
Then my bf bought a new pair of Aldo boots. They make him look super fine and he bought a new seudo-gray-leather jacket…it’s wonderful. My bf is so attractive! lol
I can say this without being afraid that you’ll think I’m dumb because honey, we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years come December.

Then we went back to his house because my bf’s brother invited him to watch the UFC fight with him, which is good. He really looks up to his older brother but his brother’s new fiance invited some girls over and they were all drinking and stuff. It was kind of uncomfortable to me because I’ve never really been around that kind of stuff. My bf and I ended up not watching the fight at all but running to the  gas station in town and wasting time till they all left. Then we watched That 70’s Show and I fell asleep in his lap. Unfortunately this time I had to go to my house to sleep but that was probably for the best.
I missed him all night long though.

Sunday:

I decided to go to my bf’s church because he was playing worship. His church is nice. It’s kind of boring compared to my church though.

I felt bad though because all the people who went to where I go to school were asking me how school is going and all I could say “It’s alright” and of course they thought I was talking about how it’s getting close to finals and things are getting stressful. I didn’t tell them the whole truth.

It was super awesome because this one guy there paid for our lunch. SUPER SWEET. :]

There’s somethings that I don’t even feel comfortable sharing on here to noone in case someone does finally see all these posts. Just know that I’m not perfect.

God,
I don’t know why I fail you. It’s not like I do the things I do to spite you. It’s not like I go around thinking “How can I make God disappointed in me today?”. It’ s not like that at all. I want to please you. I want to make you happy. I wish I could stop. I want to stop. Every effort fails though and I don’t know why. It must stop. I want to wait. I’m tired of not waiting. Help this to end, please help me to stop this madness.
-Kait

After church I had a photoshoot with this girl I went to high school with. I got the privilage of taking her senior pictures! They are going to be so awesome. If you ever want to check out my current work:
www.facebook.com/kaitlynnicolephotography
www.flickr.com/kaitlynnicolephotography

After the photoshoot I had to get back home, I had a lot of stuff I needed to get done…did I get it done? One thing. Of course, that’s how it always goes. Anyway, my bf took me to sonic after the photoshoot and we just talked and laughed like always.
He was so good to me.  He let me take pictures of him. He never likes me to take pictures of him so this was a wonderful treat for me!
We went out on this country road towards his house and I took pictures of him. There were these two cute dogs there that came running towards us. They wanted us to play fetch with them so I kept throwing the stick. One time I accidentally threw it into the road when a van was driving by. I raced towards the road waving my arms, I tripped and fell but the van slowed down in time to not hit the dog or me…lol

I went home and got nothing done except laundry.

Today:

I had to get fillings today :[

I woke up early, after not sleeping well at all, to get my stuff packed and to get ready. I went and said goodbye to my dad then off to the dentist.

I had to get FOUR fillings. The dentist said they were little but for them being little the whole lower part of my face was numb, which they said it shouldn’t be since they were only working on the upper part of my teeth. I guess I’m just the acception and after my dental work all the numbing stuff settled into  my chin! I had to be extra careful while eating my healthy sandwich before practice and especially careful while eating the broccoli…lol

Practice went well today. Our first game is Thursday so things are getting pretty serious. I’m excited and nervous. I’ve got my family and my boyfriend coming + 2 other people (My dad’s spiritual father so I guess my spiritual grandfather), so I’ll have my own little cheering section. My grandparents were going to come but they are leaving for a Thanksgiving cruise that night so I don’t blame them for missing.

I think that is finally all for today.

Until later I’ll keep renovating for kalon.

-KaitlynKalon

Day 868 with this guy<3

That was the fastest minute of my life.
I think it’s neat that that is the only time that event is ever going to happen and I got to be a part of it buttttttt it wasn’t that cool.
I didn’t even make a wish.

On the other hand the date with my dad went so well. I love him so much. We went to Red Lobster  then walked around the mall. All together I think we talked for like 3 hours straight. I loved every minute of it. I think my dad is making more of the effort to get to know me now that I’m out of the house. I think he realized how little time we get to spend with eachother and how fast I’ve grown up and how much he’s miss out on.
I’m glad he’s finally realizing it. I love my dad<3

Today hasn’t been as bad as yesterday. I ate well and felt a little bit stronger today. Practice was better..not easier but better since I didn’t feel as weak. It was a rather off day on my part for basketball. My head just wasn’t in it and I was not making any of my shots. Why am I so inconsistant?

All in all it’s been a pretty good day. My classes weren’t that hard and I went to sleep at 9:30 last night so I could get up at 5:30. So…

• sleep an hour more [CHECK]
• eat healthy food [CHECK]
• feel less weak [CHECK]

So yay!

I’ve been thinking about trying to get a job at Forever 21 over the summer since pretty much my entire wardrobe is from there. I’ve actually gone like whole week with only wearing Forever 21 clothes without even thinking about it because that’s all I own! So hopefully I can work this summer and work through my first year at Evangel.

Tonight, I have a date with my dad which I’m excited about. I don’t know what we’ll do but it’ll be nice. In fact I should probably go jump in the shower and get my bags packed for this weekend.

I’m staying at home this weekend. I can’t go to my boyfriend’s because his parents are in Texas which kind of sucks because I enjoy spending the weekends with them BUT that means if I go over to his house on Saturday his full attention will be on me. I like that idea.

Well that’s all really for today.

I’ll keep renovating for kalon.

-KaitlynKalon

I got: all natural yogurt, almonds, all natural fruit smootie, milk, honey, Shredded Wheat, dried and not dried cranberries, dried veggies, dried apricots (love!), 9 grain italian bread, spicy brown mustard and provolone cheese, canned chicken breast, pumpkin seeds, all natural chunky peanut butter, broccoli and grapes!

I will not bow to weakness and fatigue!

TIRED.

That is how I’ve been feeling all the time. I’ve been getting enough sleep but I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I don’t even have the energy to be happy.

At basketball is when it’s worst. Today I felt like I was going to fall over! I thought my legs were just going to give up, right from under me. I didn’t perform to the best of my ability because I just didn’t have the strength to.

WEAK.

My mom is a physical therapist and thinks that I’ve just not been eating the right foods. I’m going to the store to pick up some good, healthy, nutrient rich food to see if that helps.

If I’m not better in a week then off to the doctor I go.